Six Lessons From the Most Popular Class at the University of Washington
After 15 years of teaching and reams of data, the lessons are simpler than most of us expect — and more actionable than the culture usually allows.
Dr. Nicole McNichols has taught human sexuality at the University of Washington for fifteen years. More than 4,000 students take her class each year. Her book, You Could Be Having Better Sex, lays out what the research actually shows. Not rumors. Not what gets passed down through culture. What studies find.
She recently talked through six lessons on the Modern Love podcast. They are simpler than you'd expect.
1. Pleasure is a health matter.
We grew up in a culture that treats sex like dessert. Something extra. Something you earn. The research disagrees. Pleasure is tied to how we think, how we handle stress, how we connect with other people. McNichols puts it plainly: start from the idea that pleasure matters, and that most of what you learned about sex was probably wrong.
2. Say what you like.
You don't need a long conversation to communicate during sex. A few phrases work fine. Guide me. Show me. That. Even sounds carry information. Sighs and moans signal pleasure to your partner. They also help you feel more of it. Your partner cannot know what works unless you find some way to say so.
3. Once a week is enough. And you can schedule it.
Research shows that once a week is where the benefit to relationship satisfaction peaks. More is fine. The benefit just doesn't keep growing after that. As for scheduling sex, couples assume it kills the mood. But when McNichols tracked real experiences in a study, planned sex was just as good as spontaneous sex. Scheduling also creates anticipation. That anticipation is arousing on its own.
4. Small novelty counts.
Novelty does not mean buying new equipment or planning something elaborate. Different room. Different time of day. Sex on a trip. Lights on when they're usually off. McNichols has a number: couples who try something new at least once a month consistently report higher relationship satisfaction. The change doesn't need to be big. It just needs to happen.
5. Lighten up about sex with your partner.
Think of low-stakes sex as a form of play. Not every time needs to be meaningful or end in a particular way. When people approach sex with curiosity, adventure, and fun in mind, the experience tends to be better. Pressure about outcomes tends to work against pleasure.
6. Know yourself.
McNichols ends where the work begins. Know what you want. Know what you'd like more of. Learn to say it. Not all at once and not perfectly. Just as something you keep getting a little better at over time.
These six lessons are close to what the EROS-Q is built to surface. Where you stand on communication, novelty, what conditions support your desire, and how you think about your erotic future. The assessment doesn't tell you what to want. It gives you clearer language for what you already notice in yourself.
Domain 3 of the EROS-Q — Erotic Communication — explores how openly you talk about your sexual life, and what stays unspoken. Request early access →
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The EROS-Q is a research-grounded self-assessment of erotic identity, values, and orientation.
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